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I saw Rambo on Friday, and it was fucking awesome.  Not only was it non-stop, heart-pounding, ultra-manly action—it’s the truest work of cinema the Academy sacrifices virgins for.  There is no film deeper or more dynamic than Rambo.  If you don’t agree with this statement I want you cut your balls off; and if you don’t have a pair of balls to begin with you can meet me at the motel, room 110, and make sure to wear those high heels I really like.

Best Actor is going to Sylvester Stallone.  The man is 61 years old and in pretty good shape for his age, or anyone else’s age for that matter.  A lot of people said Christian Bale really worked hard to become a skinny motherfucker in The Machinist, but it’s nothing compared to all the HGH and other chemicals Stallone took.  Here’s a simple formula for Rambo’s size: Sylvester Stallone x 10(Ivan Drago) = Rambo.  Not only is Stallone’s physically appearance a mark of his acting craft, but the way he delivers the role is truly extraordinary.  Some of the best actors studied “method acting” or “The Method,” whereas Stallone invented his own style of acting just for Rambo—THE AWESOME.  It takes great craftsmanship to kill Burmese soldiers, rip out a guy’s throat, chop off another guy’s head and jump over logs—Stallone accomplishes this effortlessly.

Best Supporting Actor is…SYLVESTER STALLONE!  Those of you who saw the movie might’ve thought the mercenary company would receive this nomination, but that’s factually incorrect.  If you remember the intriguing plot of Rambo it’s actually the mercenaries that are hired to save the prisoners, and John Rambo is just there for support.  Sure, he does most of the work, but he is TECHNICALLY SUPPORTING the mercenaries.  The tactical placement of that Hiroshima Claymore, the handling of that .50 Cal—all that shows the skills that are needed for a supporting actor.  Maybe you can nominate the sniper in the film, but only because he made that boat-gunner’s head pop off.

Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress—I don’t want to see Stallone in a dress so the Academy is going to make these categories “invalid” for the Oscars.

Best Cinematography—look at the pools of blood and piles of bodies, you’ll see why this film’s cinematography is unmatched.  It takes great skill to capture Rambo slaughtering the entire Burmese Army, not to mention the multitude of explosions the film has.  The cinematography here is old school, no filters, no unnecessary lighting—just pure and in your face.

I don’t need to give any reason for why this film will win Best Special Effects.

The Academy has stated that this is going to be one of the only feature films to also be placed into the Best Short Film category because of one sequence—the film’s climax.  That is a short movie in of itself and it’s definitely better than any other short film out right now (or for all eternity).  There is a majestic feeling as Rambo shreds those soldiers up without breaking a sweat.

Best Costume Design is pretty obvious since the Burmese soldiers looked like real soldiers, and of course Rambo’s costume was pitch-perfect.

Best Documentary Feature is also something this film is going to nab even though it’s a work of fiction.  The truth is that what we see in the film is part of Stallone’s daily training, so in that sense it’s a documentary.

Best Sound Effects: The bullets blazing by, the explosions, the screams of dying soldiers—I dare you to find a movie that can top Rambo in the sound category.

Best Original/Adapted Screenplay and Best Director—Stallone directed the film so it's a given.  The screenplay was an original idea written by Stallone, but it was simultaneously adapted from his uber-manliness.

Best Editing—that 80’s action feeling is something that requires a master editor.  Also, the frames of that boat-gunner getting his head popped off is true editing magic.

Best Picture…this is self-explanatory.

The film ends with John Rambo going to his father’s house, but never coming inside.  His dad’s name is R. Rambo (presumably Rambo Rambo), and you can bet there will be a sequel starring John Rambo and Rambo Rambo kicking insane amounts of ass.

So there you have it.  Rambo is going to own the Oscars and no one can prove me wrong.

Comments (1)

Written by This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it , on 30-01-2008 08:09 You know.. I wasn't thinking of seeing this movie prior to reading your article. But you make it sound so compelling. Maybe I'll give it a chance after all.

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